Trust in God and He Will Direct Thy Paths

I have almost completed applying to North Park University and have spent $57.50 doing so. I think fees for applying to a university are a scam, but I'm a sucker just like the rest of educated America and will pay it because my desire to go to school far out weighs the sinking feeling of a lighter pocket. I'm hoping this works out. I have virtually no money for tuition, and am praying with all I've got for a good financial aid package and a decent part time job. I'm trusting God for the rest, which is incredibly scary but I know He provides and is more than able. I've applied at a lot of different colleges and never has the application process gone as smoothly as this one has. I'm taking that as a good sign. ;) Even though my decision to go to college was wild and last minute, and I mean LAST MINUTE, things seem to be coming together rather nicely. Perhaps I'm finally making a good decision for myself. I guess thats what happens when you step out in faith. Of course, I'm leaving room for my plans to fall through. After all, God does say no. I've experienced running into that wall a couple times. Whatever happens, things will work out. Which is my biggest comfort when it comes to foreboding fears of making a total disaster with your life. Yes, I'm capable of complete disaster. Scary thought right? Anyway, I really want to live the life I love. And I'm okay with making a few mistakes in the process of getting there. The reason why I decided to apply after all was because I ran into someone that is just as discontent at sitting around in Rockford as I am. He had an influence and I realized... there's no reason for my sitting. I'm not responsible for my family and they haven't claimed responsibility over me for a long time now, so why am hanging out? My thoughts exactly. I want to be free to live life. Free to make mistakes. Free to meet and love all kinds of different people. Perhaps that's why I love the city. Although, Chicago does seem quite small to me since I've spent so much time there now... but maybe New York City is in my not too distant future. hmm...

W. 

A People Kind of Person

Have you ever sat next to someone and thought, "This person makes me feel so much more solid." ?? I have days like that. Days where I feel like I'm tucked between the minute hands; obscure enough to be missed. And then someone walks through door and looks you in the eye. And without saying much, they make you feel so much more present than you did before they walked in. I have a few people in my life that have the ability to do this. Their energy and personality creates a world around them that engages others in a way that allows them to relax; to stop thinking about what their doing with their hands. I think this is such a precious gift, and though I can't always keep these people close to me I will always strive to be like them and enjoy their existence on this earth. "I thank God for you and for your love for all the saints..." Paul said it true. I love walking into another human. That sounds crazy weird, but I honestly feel like that's what happens when two people really appreciate one another; when we allow ourselves to be influenced for the better by the goodness in someone else. I'm going to try to do this everyday. Of course, there are the days that are spent tucked in between time's sheets... but that just gives contrast to our days; making our experiences that much more vibrant when they occur. People are beautiful. 

W.

"You know I could use somebody. Someone like you and all you know and how you speak..."

Digital Disciple

Digital Disciple

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Tangled.

I want to be part of it. He is doing something, and i want in on it. Sometimes I scroll through people's thoughts and images they post online, and I marvel at how vibrant and flowing their lives seem from the outside. I often feel like my own life picture is a still shot of me still standing in the same spot I thought I left. Is there no spiritual compass to direct this paper heart? Direction seems to be waiting for me to decide it exists. God's church is throbbing; it's veins are warm with the presence of God's purpose; His plans... I have such a limited view of my own place in things. The world seems so big, and yet so intimate. I want to be thrown into the mix. I want to be tucked between the sheets of experience; my life constantly crashing into another's; changing shape and form as I go... belonging and loving and living... forgetting myself in the face of another. My prayers are loud to God, "I long to be caught up in living..." He is dancing to a rhythm all His own. I want to dance with Him... I am mediocre and alive. Nothing, yet existing... I don't believe I could be anymore significant than this moment. I feel His purpose; it's coming... always coming. His ways are a mists. I long for them to be waves that crash into me so hard I am hopelessly lost in His presence... swimming only to experience his depths... drowning painfully only to see the change His love brings to the surface. He is life's pulse, and I hunger for a taste... 

Unwilling Words

I still don't have anything to write. sorry.

Writing Is Uncomfortable.

I thought it a good idea to have a blog. At first. I haven't written for awhile, and I usually reveal too much to put online... I can't help it. It just happens when I write. It's like I don't have sensor. So, putting my personal life and thoughts aside this time, if I learn any kind of truth I'll share it with the rest of the blogging world. Until then... I can't promise much and apologize in advance for the neglect of this very useful internet space.